When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.