When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.