A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.