A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.