A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.