A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.