A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.