A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.