Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.