Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I have three kids, one of each.