Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.