Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.