I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.