I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.