I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."