I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.