I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.