I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."