And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I can't get no respect.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.