And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.