And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."