You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".