She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".