I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!