I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.