I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.