I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."