I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.