I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."