Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?