Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.