Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.