I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch