I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.