I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.