I can't get no respect.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.