I can't get no respect.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.