We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.