We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.