I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!