I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.