I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.