The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."