The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.