I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.