I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.