I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.