I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.