I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.