I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.