I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!