One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.