One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.