I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.