I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.