I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.