I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.