I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.