I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!