I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.