I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!