I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.