I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.