I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.