Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife gives good headache.