Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.