I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!