I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.