I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.