Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.