Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.