Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I have three kids, one of each.