Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I don't get no respect

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.