My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!