My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.