My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.