My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.