My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.