Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.