Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.