Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.