Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.