I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!