I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.