I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.