I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.