I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.