I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I have three kids, one of each.