I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.