I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.