Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.