Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.