I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.