If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.