If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.