If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.