If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.