I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.