I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.