I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.