I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.