I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.