...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!