...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!