...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.