...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.