...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.