...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.