It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.