It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.