It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!