It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!