I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'