My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.