My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.