My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.