My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.