When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.