When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.