With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.