With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.