Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."