Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?