I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."