I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I can't get no respect.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.