I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.