I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.