If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.