If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.