If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.