If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.