If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"