I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.