I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.