I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.