I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I can't get no respect.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!