My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!