My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'