With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.