With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.