With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.