With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.