With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I don't get no respect

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.