With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.