With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!