When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.