Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?