Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.