Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.