Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I don't get no respect

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.