Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.