I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.