I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.