I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.