I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

I have three kids, one of each.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!