I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.