I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.