It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.