It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!