I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.