I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.