I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.