I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.