I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.