I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.