I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!