I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!